Wondering if you were gaslighted as a child?

Failed relationship after failed relationship and a near nervous breakdown, I started wondering what’s wrong with me.

Then I read a book by Oprah, titled “what happened to me”, and the light bulb turned on. I fell down the rabbit hole feverishly researching narcissism and gaslighting, wondering if I was gaslighted as a child.

The term gaslighting originated from the 1944 film gaslight. The film follows Paula through emotional manipulation by her husband, Gregory. Gregory orchestrates a series of events: pictures disappearing in the house, noises from the attic, and the gaslights suspiciously dimming, denying these events were happening, insisting Paula losing touch of reality.

Gaslighting is now used broadly to describe one person treating another in a comparable way, usually in romantic relationships. It means purposely making someone doubt their version of the truth. In its extreme, gaslighting can undermine a person’s grip on reality. In milder forms, it can undermine their trust in themselves and their own experiences.

What happens if a child is gaslighted by their family? Receiving it as a vulnerable child can make it more powerful, more lasting, and harder to see.

There are four types of Gaslighting in a family

The double bind family

The scenario: parents that send conflicting messages put their children in a “double bind”. Whichever way you respond, your parents are unhappy, or you are punished. a lose-lose situation.

The message: you cannot trust yourself or others

The impact on adulthood: it's difficult to take other people at their word and feel safe in your relationships. You can’t rely on anyone, including yourself.

The unpredictable and unstable family

The scenario: one day, your parents may allow you to go to your friend’s house, but the next day they scold you for asking. a lot of underlying reasons why parents have polarizing responses.

The message: Anything can happen. Things are out of control.

The impact on adulthood: You believe people are a mystery and its impossible to make sense of others. You view your emotions as bad and have trouble managing them. It's extremely hard to trust anyone because you believe people are, at their core, radically unreliable.

Change your story, change your life. Basically, that’s what it is. — Deepak Chopra

The picture-perfect family

The scenario: Growing up in this type of family, there is no room for mistakes, negative emotions, or weaknesses. Anything that tainted the image would be swept under the rug.

The message: you can never make mistakes. Nothing is good enough.

The impact on adulthood: Since you are, in fact, human, you attempt to hide your humanness and feel deeply ashamed of your flaws and weaknesses. You suppress and ignore your feelings (especially negative ones) because you don’t believe they are important or real. You feel unfulfilled despite your achievements.

The emotionally neglectful family

The scenario: This is the most subtle form of gaslighting in a family. In fact, it is so subtle that it is difficult for many victims to recall it ever happening. Parents are unaware of feelings in general and fail to notice their children’s emotions and emotional needs. When your parents treat your feelings as invisible, irrelevant, or meaningless, you naturally feel your inner self erased. When your parents don't acknowledge or respond to your emotions, you are set up to doubt and ignore your deepest self.

The message: your feelings are unnecessary, burdensome, and to be kept hidden or, perhaps not even real. Your feelings and emotional needs don’t matter. You don’t matter.

The impact on adulthood: You were never given the chance to learn the true value of your emotions. Since your emotions are a window into who you are, you don’t feel like you know yourself and sometimes feel empty or numb. you feel alone and disconnected.

The takeaway

If you grew up, like me, with any of these forms of gaslighting, it makes sense that you question yourself. It makes sense if you don’t trust yourself or have feelings of loneliness.

You can’t change your childhood. You can change your perspective on it.

Going forward

It is possible to heal these traumas and change the narrative playing in your head; as well as how you feel about yourself. So, when someone says any one of the comments below, you will have a new and healthier view of reality.

you’re so dramatic → having natural, human feelings is not a form of drama

that never happened →it happened for me and so it matters

you’re overly emotional →or you have a low tolerance for other people’s feelings

you shouldn’t feel that way →That’s your way of trying to make me doubt myself. It’s not working.

Let’s throw gas lighting out the window, this is what is true: Your feelings, experiences and needs are real. They matter. You matter. You and your feelings are so worth standing up for.